In 1963 or '64 I attended a conference between a small group of students and university administrators. It was held at a resort situated on the Florida Gulf Coast. Why exactly I was there I do not know for certainly I was something of a wimp, however a somewhat complex one. I felt called--even destined--to be a leader but saw myself completely lacking in what I can only call the elemental brute ego force found in leaders (some may more kindly call it robust confidence). I thus felt somewhat estranged from other leaders. Though I could be reluctantly assertive, I remained isolated and remote. I remember on a swimming outing standing alone waste deep in the ocean detached and apart from the others.
What
gets to the heart of the matter better than anything else involved a
bottle of cologne. I shared a room with another student. On first
entering the room together, we found a complimentary green bottle of
Brut cologne sitting on the dresser (with the trademark silver
medallion hanging on a chain around the bottle's neck). This
would seem to be a desirable commodity for any young man and my
roommate instantly took a liking to it and more or less claimed it.
I felt intensely that the cologne was forbidden for me. I felt
deeply a consternation about it. It suggested a boldness, a
sophistication, a frankness, an assertiveness--an ego--that was
simply inaccessible to me. People may have thought of me in several
ways, but Brut was ridiculously remote from any tenable
characterization of Wayne.
Over
time I have come to realize that Brut can be my preferred cologne.
First, I had to fully appreciate that man is saved by grace not
works. In other words, the fact that I do not have a long list of
accomplishments and superior qualities by which I've "earned"
love and respect is completely beside the point. Saving love is not
earned, but is a gift from God. So, in this sense, what I've
accomplished over the past 50 years is irrelevant now as it would
have been 50 years ago. This disassociation of self-worth from works
is key to separating commendable pride from hurtful arrogance.
Secondly, I tend to see all matters in the light of Jesus. One of
the first things Jesus had to prove (perhaps even to himself) was
that he could hold his own against the devil. During the
Temptations, with a sound ego he told the devil just where he could
get off--Jesus was in this sense wearing the scent of Brut. A solid
ego is not only necessary--but called for and commendable. Finally,
I have come to disassociate assertiveness from sin. In fact I have
come to the very opposite conclusion--the lack of assertiveness can
itself be a major sin.
Tonight
I have ordered on Amazon a medallioned bottle of Brut. I may not
wear the cologne so much as keep the bottle on my desk as a symbol of
how much my views have changed over the years and the freedom “to
be” I now enjoy.
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