Do you get defensive easily? When do you take off your armor? What is your prized defense mechanism? (Serendipity Bible 10th Anniversary Edition, p. 526).
I
become defensive and get easily offended when I sense the following
transaction in process—I, viewed as an immature child, am the
subject of scolding by an all-wise and all-knowing parent. And it
seems this transaction is often in play when I am the subject of
criticism. I then burn in resentment. Criticism that I can handle
well always comes prefaced by qualifiers. For example, the person
criticizing my behavior can say one of the following: “It's easy to
draw that conclusion, but....” “A lot of people make that
mistake, but....” “I've often done the same, but....” “I can
see how you would draw that conclusion, but....” The effect of
these statements is to ameliorate the offensive suggestion that my
error was really due to gross immaturity and intentional
irresponsibility – that the transaction in process is that of a
perfect superior correcting a flawed inferior.
My
prized defense mechanism when I know I have made a blunder is to take
the offensive; that is, "The best defense is a good offense."
If I take the initiative in revealing a blunder, then that shows I
have perception and judgment – no one had to point out my blunder
for me; it gives me a sense of being in control and independence –
I am not being controlled by others; I have mastery over the tone of
revelation – a positive one, not a negative tone of reprimand – I
can use self-deprecating humor and a measure of winsome humility;
despite the blunder, I nevertheless have insight and self-knowledge.
In short, it is a far better situation to proactively confess one's
own mistakes and not to have them subjected to the adverse scrutiny
of others.
This
has implications for my behavior as well when it's my turn to point
out the foibles of others. I can use one of the qualifiers mentioned
above – implying equality and not superiority. I stand ready to
appreciate the self-deprecating humor of others when they admit one
of their mistakes. This often invites reflection on my part that
(along with many others) I have done similar things—or worse; and
it arouses my appreciation that I am being given a model of how
admission of blunders is done gracefully, humbly, and even
humorously. Perhaps I can avoid like mistakes in the future, or at
least upon doing them approached them in like manner. It is a joyful
and encouraging situation when one is witness to others'
self-knowledge. Whenever possible it is far preferable to allow room
for self-criticism and self-knowledge and not to eagerly engage in
unsolicited judgment and criticism. Inevitably such negative criticism
suggests a stance of superiority and a measure of false pride, lack
of sensitivity, and self-righteousness. The most effective criticism
is almost always self-criticism. The most admirable skill is the
adept ability to help this happen.
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